Sunday, April 1, 2012

Gollum on The Clone Wars: Brothers

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS. 
Gollum is a guide of the lands north and west of Mordor and an informant for multiple powers in Middle-Earth.  He is a fishing enthusiast and a skilled waterman, this feat being recognized by King Elessar himself.  When he is not fishing or searching for his precious, Gollum enjoys inventing riddles.

You didn't think we watched The Clone Wars, did you, precious?  Yes, yes, we watch it.  The wizard, the one who interrogates poor Sméagol [Gandalf], we heard that in some video games he is voiced by Tom Kane, who plays Yoda, yes?

What?  Noooo, don't hurt poor Sméagol for breaking the...hm?  The "fourth wall"?  What's the "fourth wall," eh?

The short blogger wanted us to write this before because the episode reminded her of us, precious.  Mmm, it reminds her very much of us.  But we are getting ahead of ourselves.

Sméagol had a nice time watching this episode.  It wasn't our favourite, but we likes it much better than watching the fat hobbit in our movies.

This episode finally has Darth Maul in it.  The short blogger doesn't understand why he is not dead.  Sméagol understands.  Where we come from, many come back to life, yes they do, precious.  Like Wraiths, and the Eye, and the wizard, yes, they all came back once.  But they have magic.  Does Darth Maul have magic, precious?  We doesn't know.  It could have come back with dark magic, or maybe it just doesn't need it's bottom half.

For so many long years, Darth Maul was living in this strange place.  We lived in a cave for a very long time too.  Much longer than it did.  But we are not as crazy, are we, precious?  We wonders what made it insane.  Hate?  Yes, yes, that may be.  It hates the Jedi who took Darth Maul's legs and its position.  Just like we hates Baggins.  He stole our precious!  We hates it!  Hates it!  Forever!  AHHHHH!

Mm, yes, we will go on.

We thought the episode would be good joined with the next one, mmm, or having more story included.  Many of the scenes added something, yes, but didn't amount to much.  But Sméagol is patient and still enjoys it.

Sméagol likes the snake.  It is funny.  We would like someone to bring us things to eat like it does.  Nice rabbits and crunchable birdses!  We are tired of orcses.  And we would like a friend.  Yes, Sméagol would like a friend.

The fat hobbit doesn't count.

That is all we have to say.  We liked the episode, but not as much as the Mon Calamari arc.  Lots of fishess in those, yes precious!  May the precioussss be with you!

The New Master of In Western Lands!

Yesssss!  Precious, precious, my precious, oh my precious!!!  We has it!  The Precious!  We has taken over In Western Lands!

We are now very strong!  We are the master!  Lord Sméagol!  Gollum the Great!  The Gollum!  Yes, we will be called The Gollum!

Fissh, now we has nice fish!  Look!  Look at the sidebar!  Nice, juicy, beautiful fissh!  All for ourselfs, precious!  We doesn't have to share it with the fat hobbit, no precious.  We takes the fish for ME!

But good Sméagol will keep the blog running.  Good Sméagol always helps.  He even has an episode review, yes, from The Clone Wars.  Soon it will be posted.  Later, but very soon, precious.

Hmm, what else can we talk about?  Does it like riddles?  Maybe we gives it a riddle to solve?

What has roots...no.

Alive without breath...no.

Ah!  We has it.

High to low, then back again,
In darkened forest, stuck in pen.
Out at last and finally free,
To get back what belongs to me.

I guide and wait while planning all,
That those I guide will soon befall.
I'll bide my time and then attack,
So I can get my treasure back.

But then a new pursuit I found,
An easy way to be renowned.
This very day I hold new weight,
And that is why I am now great.

Who am I?

Difficult, tricksy yes?  Think it can solve our riddle?  Guess!  Yes, guess in the comments!  We'll tell when someone has it right, so don't look if it doesn't want to be spoiled!

While it thinks we are going to have some fissh.  May the precioussss be with you!  Hee hee hee hee!



Note from Arda: Thanks for bearing with my April Fool's Day silliness! If you weren't around the time or wish to relive the glory of Gollum's temporary reign, here's what my blog looked like:

click to see larger