The Pirates of the Ring

Ahoy, me followers! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Today's the day to bring out all o' those piratey words ye have picked up and shout "Arr" to the world! To celebrate the occasion, I have here a script o' sorts - I give ye, The Council of Elrond: Pirated Edition!

Captain Elrond: Avast ye seadawgs, mateys of old. Ye be summoned here to meet the threat o’ Mordor. Ye’ll unite or ye’ll go down to Davy Jones’ Locker. Each race be bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring, Nine-fingered Frodo. (Nine-fingered Frodo places the Ring among the pirates.)

Barnacle Boromir: Shiver me timbers, it be true! In a dream, I saw the starboard side grow dark but on the port side a pale light lingered. A voice was crying: ‘Your doom be near at hand. Isildarr’s Bane be found…Isildarr’s Bane… (He nears the Ring.)

Captain Elrond: Blimey!

Gandalf Greybeard: Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Drink and the devil had done for the rest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum…

Captain Elrond: Arr, never ‘as a soul spoken those words ‘ere, Gandalf Greybeard.

Gandalf Greybeard: I isn’t askin’ for your pardon, Captain Elrond, for the Black Speech o’ Mordor may yet be heard in the four corners of the Earth! The booty be altogether evil.

Barnacle Boromir: Belay that, it be a gift! Why not use this Ring? Long has me dad, the Quartermaster o’ Gondor, kept yer waters safe from the brigands o’ Mordor! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!

Arragorn: Ye can’t wield it! None of us can. The One Ring be answering to Scurvy Sauron alone. It has no other captain, savvy?

Barnacle Boromir: And what would a landlubber know of this?

Arragorn: Don’t do anything stupid…

Long-legged Willy: (Jumps up.) Arr, this be no mere landlubber. He be Arragorn, son of Arrathorn.

Barnacle Boromir: Arragorn? Well blow me down! This… be Isildarr’s heir?

Long-legged Willy: Aye, and ‘is granddad be the Captain o’ Gondor.

Arragorn: Sit down, Long-legged Willy!

Barnacle Boromir: Gondor has no Captain. Gondor needs no Captain.

Gandalf Greybeard: Arragorn be right. We cannot use it.

Captain Elrond: You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed.

Gangplank Gimli: What be we a’waiting for? ARRR!! (Gangplank Gimli attacks the Ring.)
Captain Elrond: Belay that! We can’t be destroying the Ring that way, Gangplank Gimli, son of Grog Gloin. The Ring was made at the world’s end. Only there can we destroy it! It must be taken up to the crow’s nest o’ Mordor and cast deep in to the sea. One of ye must do this.

Barnacle Boromir: One does not simply sail into Mordor. Its black gates be guarded by more than just bilge rats. There be evil there that does not take sleep. And the great deadlight be ever watchful. Not with ten thousand buccaneers could ye do this. It be folly!

Long-legged Willy: (Jumps up.) Have ye heard nothing Captain Elrond has said? The Ring has to go to Davy Jones!

Gangplank Gimli: (Jumps up.) And I suppose ye think ye can do it?!

Barnacle Boromir: And if we fail, what then?! What happens when Scurvy Sauron takes back his booty?!

Gangplank Gimli: I will walk the plank ‘fore I see the Ring in the hands of a scallywag!

Gandalf Greybeard: Do you not understand that while we bicker among ourselves, Scurvy Sauron’s power grows?! None can escape it! (They argue.)
Ring: Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Drink and the devil had done for the rest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum…

Nine-fingered Frodo: (Stands up.) I’ll be taking it! I’ll be taking it! I’ll take the Ring t’ Mordor. Though I do not know how t’ hoist the sails.

Gandalf Greybeard: (Goes over to Nine-fingered Frodo.) I will help ye on yer voyage, Nine-fingered Frodo, so long as it be yours to sail.

Arragorn: If by me life or death, I can protect ye, I will. Ye have me cutlass.

Long-legged Willy: And you have me pistol!

Gangplank Gimli: And me cannon!

Barnacle Boromir: Ye be carryin’ all our fates, lad. If this be the will o’ the council, then Gondor be seein’ it done.

One Eyed Sam: (Appears.) Avast! Mr. Frodo’s not goin’ anywhere without me!

Captain Elrond: Nay, it be nigh impossible to separate ye, even when he be summoned to a secret council and ye be not.

Merry Morgan and Pegleg Pippin: (Run in.) Wait! We be comin’ too!

Merry Morgan: Ye’d have to feed us to the fish to stop us!

Pegleg Pippin: Anyways, ye need sailors o’ intelligence on this sort o’ pillage…voyage… thing.

Merry Morgan: Well that be ruling ye out Pip!

Captain Elrond: A crew o’ nine… So be it! Ye shall be the Pirates of the Ring!

Pegleg Pippin: Great! What be our heading?


Yo ho ho, what a tale that be! Thanks to me dad for the original idea, and to me brother for namin', suggestin', and proofreadin' the script. Twas originally copied from Council of Elrond before being translated into pirate. Hope ye all enjoy, and fair winds!